Devil’s Advocate: So, about those new Juventus kits ...

Welcome to Devil’s Advocate. A space where a rotating cast of BWRAO staff writers will put forth their ghastlier, most offensive and unpopular takes about Juventus and World Football. It is up to you to figure out if we are being serious or not.

I’m all for moving forward.

To put it in a catchy, slogan-y, old head kind of way:

“Progress is not important; it’s the only thing that matters.”

With that in mind, I heartily invite all of you to miss me with that “Old man yells at cloud” mentality about the new Juventus kit.

“Oh, but it doesn’t have stripes!”

I can hear you already, typing rapidly and furiously ready to put me in my place in the comments. Ready to release those sweet, sweet endorphins that can only be achieved when one gets virtual respect from strangers on the internet in the form of a REC.

Yes, it doesn’t have stripes, but in the words of famed former NFL QB and current reality TV star Jay Cutler: WHO CAAAAAAARES. It could be squares, circles, diagonals or whatever geometrical shape of your choosing for all I care. Hell, make it a thousand tiny diamonds in the shape of the Juventus logo, like the type a bored teenager makes in Create Your Own Kit in FIFA. Make the jersey a print of a black hole and in it, tucked deep in the nothingness and obliviousness of the cold uncaring space, right in the middle of the shirt, you would find just how little I care that it doesn’t have stripes.

As long as it doesn’t block out the Jeep logo of course, because branding is important. #ItsAJeepThing #WhateverTheDestination

“But, tradition!”

You cry, upset that the long standing tradition of stripes in a shirt is getting mangled and trashed by our corporate overlords in Germany. You know what ain’t getting trashed, though?

Money, son. That’s what.

Is the rumor this change was spurred solely due to the stripes looking like ref jerseys in America, true? Or is it just and internet factoid that spun out of proportion and we now recognize as true? Like how Sinbad absolutely did a genie movie in the 1990s.

Truth be told, I don’t know, but it SOUNDS true. And that’s all that matters. Large corporations do what they do for money, not a goddamn thing else. Do you think they would have gone through with the change if they didn’t have an outrageously detailed and expensive report backing them up on it? Guaranteeing that removing the stripes would increase profitability by 0.00005% worldwide or some cockamamie percentage like that, negligible to most of us working stiffs but EVERYTHING to a company like Adidas?

Put it this way, if this post goes viral — which I fully expect it to because every single take here has been 100% true and pure, solid unadulterated gold — Adidas would release a special Black Hole® spec design so fast it would make your head spin. Just to trend on Twitter for a couple of hours.

Provided, and I cannot emphasize this enough, it doesn’t disrupt that precious, precious brand synergy. Shoutout Fiat. Shoutout Jeep. #SponsoredContent #Influencer

Just so you can’t complain, Adidas gave you all a pink stripe, right in the middle of the thing. Take that for your tradition complaints and smoke it. What’s more traditional than a weirdly placed pink stripe in the chest? Nothing, that’s what.

In the business, we call that throwing you a bone, you are welcome.

In conclusion, things change, change is good. I’m not writing this in a Windows 95 PC that takes approximately 25 months to boot up and y’all are not about to get pissy in the comments on a flip phone. Life expectancy is up, vaccines are a thing that exists, we can watch any movie, listen to any song and watch any TV show that has ever been created at all times wherever and Juventus changed their kits. All progress, all good things.

Now, as far as those potential third kits that got leaked …

Screw you! Juve have Cristiano Ronaldo, the shill to end all shills. My guy will sell you anything — Nikes, underwear, pyramid schemes, Egyptian steel, suitcases and subpar chicken.

We get him wearing one of those and they’ll sell. Like all of you CR7 fanboys won’t get one? Just another chapter in the world’s most pointless rivalry between CR7 stans and Lionel Messi stans. Who will be the victor? Messi fans buying blaugrana tablecloths? Or Ronaldo fans buying tie dye kits?

THE EXCITEMENT.