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These are to be taken very seriously. Or not.
Goal of the Year
Just like JRDN and Kardinal Offishall, I can't choose, can't choose, can't choose, can't choose.
There's this Paul Pogba stunner from that terrific team performance against Napoli, but the Frenchman stated in an interview following that match that he preferred his brace versus Udinese, and well, who can blame him? An honorable mention goes to Fabio Quagliarella for this strike at the San Siro. Don't worry, Fabio. Leonardo DiCaprio will win his Oscar one day, too.
Penalty of the Year
It was really nothing special from a technical standpoint, but this Arturo Vidal shot was special for other reasons as the lone goal in a match that brought the bianconeri their 31st Scudetto.
The Bob Dole Don't Quit Your Day Job Award
Look, Senator Bob Dole never really truly stood a chance against Bill Clinton as the Republican nominee in the 1996 presidential election, but he still managed to attain a fairly respectable career as a decorated war veteran and public servant.
Then he decided it was time for a career change, choosing to leave the drab world of politics for the more glamorous land of television commercials. And that's how Bob Dole went from Senate Majority leader-cum-quasi-President to Viagra spokesperson, and ugh... creepy old man checking out a scantily clad Britney Spears.
This year's recipient of the Bob Dole Don't Quit Your Day Job Award is Paolo De Ceglie. While it's true that his ‘day job' at the moment may be sitting on a bench, this year the world was introduced to his other hobby - making ears bleed disk jockeying.
Fabio Quagliarella also claims his second honorable mention after his performance on Ballando con le stelle.
The Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel Perfect Partnership Prize
Sonny and Cher, Wilbur and Orville Wright, Bill Hewlett and David Packard, Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel...and Carlos Tevez and Fernando Llorente. Adam Digby has quite eloquently summed up this very exciting blossoming relationship here.
Most Magical Milestone
The very worthy recipient of this accolade is none other than Gianluigi Buffon who, in Juventus' 2-0 victory over Livorno celebrated his 500th Serie A appearance. 500. And he still makes it look so easy.
The Toronto City Council Award for Incompetence
A dubious red card + a few non-penalty calls + a plethora of other refereeing errors are not exactly comparable to the numerous sins being committed by municipal politicians in the City of Toronto (side note: don't judge us based on our Mayor), but this year's Toronto City Council Award for Incompetence is Manuel Gräfe. Even UEFA agreed, demoting the German referee who officiated the Real Madrid-Juventus Champions League tussle, after he completely lost control of the game.
Best Social Media Row
The men and women responsible for Juventus' social media outreach have done a phenomenal job over the past few years, and neat exchanges like this are just one of the many illustrations of their social media prowess:
"The truth is that Juventus won the Derby 1-0 and that the only goal was with a very clear offside position...Certainly, Antonio Conte must have been better at Italian than mathematics." - official Torino website
"Effectively we're not good at mathematics. But we can count to 0, like the number of shots on target Torino had!" - @juventusfc
"Don't knock yourselves down. You managed to count to 31 (oops, 29)." - @TorinoFC_1906
Cue some Saved by the Bell ‘wooo-ing.'
Best Antonio Conte Sound Bites
Because Antonio Conte provides us with great clips almost every time he opens his mouth, here are three great quotes:
"Is Tevez prolific off the field as well as on it? I guess so!"
"If Neil Lennon is moaning about referees then he's ready to work in Italy, as everyone does that here."
"Giovinco? He had a glorious week. He was even included in the list for the elections: he was there between PD, PDL, and Monti. I voted for him and I believe many of his teammates did as well."
And because I'm feeling generous, here is Antonio Conte in top-notch angry-sarcastic form, dueling a Sky journalist over a controversial penalty call for Juventus in the team's 2-0 victory over Genoa.